…for the world to see.

I just ask, that if you read this, you read it without judgement. I was pretty messed up and in a bad head place when I wrote this journal while at NYSPI. I am a different person now, seeing to how it’s been 4 years since I left there. I am older and things have evolved. I have been on a lot of different medications since I wrote this and have even undergone ECT treatments.

Please read the “About” page before reading any of the entries, I’d greatly appreciate it.

Thanks.

i’m out.
off to my new treatment center for an unknown amount of time.
i have all my email addresses set on auto-respond
i’ll miss you all but please don’t remove me from your friends list
as i hope to return at some point

and as i make this transition
it’s actually nice to get away from lj, and my domain/forums
there’s only so much drama that one girl can handle.
those who want to stay in touch with me will
those who don’t, won’t

i had a terrible manic episode today
i even punched a nurse, broke her glasses
i had to be sedated by two shots
it was horrible and i don’t even care to elaborate
i’m absolutely emotionally exhausted

i wish that there were things that rang true to me
i wish so badly that i didn’t have the deserve to die
i wish with all my hearts desire that i will live long enough
to go to school
to have a family
to have children
to believe in the stars of the heavens above

well here’s the good news, i am being transferred to a new facility effective this thursday! and… i saw a dentist. look what talking to a lawyer gets ya! *wink*

i’m excited to leave here. it’s about damn time. my mother is visiting and is damn pissed off by the way the majority of the staff treats me. i feel so frustrated here. but nothing every matters and nothing ever will. it’s all about me, it’s all about you.

until next time, don’t hold your breath. i’ll say goodbye before i leave.

i have a dentist appt today and aside from being really excited i just found out that i have to have two staff members escort me the, literally, fifty feet down to the dentist office. one i can understand – but two. am i really that lethal?

am i the only one that finds this completely hilarious?

______________________________________________________

yesterday was another version of hell for me.

it all started when i call an mhta a ‘bitch’ (she deserved it and i did not get into trouble for it) but soon after three of the people on my team pulled me into a room and confronted me about this week and how stressful it is with my mother arriving. i get upset because i am the one that should determine what is and isn’t difficult in my life. they wanted to know how they could be helpful and these people have never taken an interest in my life prior to this meeting which made me feel used and disrespected. i just start to cry because my emotions overwhelm me and i didn’t want to – show them my weak side – but i couldn’t help it, i was cornered.

they also said that since i am on co that i should have never been allowed to do cooking group – my favorite group. that they never expected me to be here this long (again, they want to kick me out as soon as possible instead of helping me).

i cry and cry. i feel completely misunderstood.

than in the evening i was swearing on the phone and was yelled at for doing that as well – apparently that is against co rules. the only thing i’ve been told about the phones is that they are free game… you can say/do whatever you want. so i get in trouble for that and i get yelled at and called names. i couldn’t go anywhere without pissing the staff off. i felt so frustrated. i just wanted to be alone with some loud music to journal, apparently that request was too much to ask for.

i posted my inpatient story both at lunchbox’s private forum and at tf’s private forum that i belong to and i tended to get the response of “it’s your fault, you just need to take accountability for your actions, the hospital isn’t doing anything wrong”

that hurts because it makes me feel like “it’s all in my head” – which hurts because it makes me feel that i am crazier than i thought. i AM taking responsibility for my actions and people assuming that i am not is hurtful. i have made major improvements and the only way you see me is through a looking glass. you have no basis to judge me in that manner. i know that you just want to be honest and that’s okay but there is a dividing line. i have worked very hard here and it aches me to see the kind of “support” i am getting.

there are a few of you that are supporting me but than there are the majority that just sit around and judge and it hurts so bad that i cry a lot at nights. i thought i had a support system… and i do in some of you. but calling me on something that you are not even a witness to is pretty premature.

i can’t participate in the ‘cooking group’ they have on fridays here because i am a cutter and there are knives in the group and i am on “c.o.” – which is bullshit since i have participated in that group before while on “c.o.” I would only be so lucky to eat a meal instead of ensure. *rolls eyes* i swear i am the resident punching bag here. emotional pain is unlike any other.

i don’t think i fully understood what it felt like to be suicidal, truly suicidal, until now. to want to die to the point of dreaming about it. and not really being able to reach out about it because it may get myself into trouble. the feeling that there is an overwhelming blackness in the soul that gets stronger with each tear.

i just don’t know what to say anymore. perhaps, i am sick of saying anything at all.

looks like i will be suing this place once i get out. i cannot stand the treatment they are giving me. sure, some of it may be well within the grasp of the law but not allowing me to see a dentist? BULLSHIT. 4 months of sleeping on a mattress on the floor of a padded room? BULLSHIT. even prisoners have bedframes. just to name a few things.

at least i am getting transferred but it feels like forever before it will come.

i have to stand up for myself somehow. i’ve contacted advocacy groups that are more than willing to help me out. it is all just so overwhelming, i’ve never stood up for myself like this before.

it’s like i am pre-meditating pain
my mother arrives march 5, leaves march 8
on march 9 i want to fast again
i don’t care about the reaction, the iv’s, the punishment
because certain things deserve punishment

i need to figure out what will make me happy?
which is perhaps one of the most difficult questions i have ever asked myself
why have i been here six months
because of my behavior
but i can’t change it, or i won’t – whatever

it’s all about choices